today’s post/blog

Yes I know, lame title but here it goes

Yes I am still loosing weight,  I am at 142 right now,  which is good,  I am not loosing it as fast but I am also not walking 3 miles a day right now.   But regardless, I am loosing weight.  My goal is still going on,  just not as focused on it.

I know I haven’t been writing that much,  i can’t help it.  Its been busy and stressful over here.  With trying to get my finances in order and also, I guess with trying to find my self in all,  I have been pre occupied.

I didn’t want to bore anyone with all the what do I do with my life, and self discovery ( or lack there of ).

My days right now seem to roll into each other,  and I am trying to keep my self focused on my main goal:  my future ; permanent career.   Which I still don’t know what it is.  I am not sure if I think it’s just going to land in my lap or really wishing it would.  Like one day I bump into someone and they are like ” you know what you would be good at” and I have an opening right now,  willing to train for a high paying job”  yeah like that is ever going to happen.  But I guess one can dream or hope, or pray for the most absurd thing possible.  Like winning the lotto…. I guess it does happen for some.

right now I am enjoying being a parent and all that comes with it, such as the 3am puke storm.  Yep this happen twice this week, both kids at about 3 am, two different nights. I think they planned it.  I swear these kids are working against us,  its like  WWE tag team match.  while you are dealing with one the other sneaks up behind you with a metal chair and hits you when the ref isn’t look.  sly little kids.  I guess this is what they meant by ” be careful what you do to your parents as your kids were do it back but twice as bad”

My biggest problem lately is staying focused.  My ADD is really acting up with the chaos going on around me.  I am having a hard time focuses on one thing and actually completing a task.  Not sure what to do about it.

My good new is that my son as figured out that there is more than 2 movies to watch.  Now the movies have grown from just wreck it Ralph and Brave, to include Arthur Christmas, Hotel Transylvania, Pirates and band of misfits , and Planes.  So I guess my viewing pleasure has improved if not my sanity.

which leads me to ask,  how is it that these people come up with the stories.  I guess all those nerds and geeks who were made fun of in school are laughing all the way to the bank.  Who cares if you can play a sport or who was voted the most popular with creativity like this.  Sorry but writers, gamers, geeks and nerds are much cooler and have way better jobs when they get older.

have you ever thought you are living in a movie

Have you ever felt that you were living in a movie….

Right now I am 32 years old and I feel like I am living in the “office space” and ” this is 40″.   Is this normal????

Sorry for the confession, let me rewind

I ( by I, I mean we) got the kids to bed on time and started watching “The Is 40” ,  and have been laughing my (excuse my language) Ass off.  Not because it is funny ( cause it is, funny that is)  but because so much of the two main characters relationships seems to be mirroring ours.  which is funny and scary as I am only 32 ( not even 40 yet) and this seems to be what we have to look forward to.  but with out the money….

anyway….. between my everyday working life seeming to be like waking up into the movie “office Space” ( a little less at this job than my last job).  the only difference is we don’t have the fax machine from hell that we want to break, its a big copier that can’t seem to do its job ( I hate this big machine,and would like to take it to an open field and smash it with my baseball bat)  and after work I seem to be walking into the movie “this is 40″….. ( minus the teenage problems and the fact that I am not even in my 40s)

oh my life…. its complicated and I love it. ( problems and all,  I know I have to kept reminding myself of this, but I wouldn’t change it)

okay I think I should go!  have a good night to all.

Funny how kids change you

I find it funny how kids change you.

For example: my  little lady now loves Tinker Bell and her fairy friends.  Its her new thing,  yes my 1 year old has a new thing….. and her new thing, well, its my new thing.

So now, I love fairies.

My son likes mickey, and the Muppet’s and Jake and the Neverland Pirates,  so do I.  And he loves Cars, Wreck it Ralph and Brave…. and Now so do I.

Its funny how I tried so long to be different and have my own individuality but the moment I had kids, it seems like I try to fit in with them.

I love my kids, I think that they make me a better person!  Very lucky mom right here

How do you know you are a good parent…….

When your 3 year old knows who Harry Potter is….. Book and Movie.

example: I was flipping through the Channels ( and yes this is not normal right now as for the last 3 weeks we have been watching 2 movies non stop, and yes we just got done watching both of those) , any way flipping through the channel and my son stopped me and yelled Harry potter.  And when I looked at it, it was a scene in which Harry potter wasn’t even in, but yet my son knew the movie,

**** so, in short my son is loving harry potter****

But don’t think that all he does is watch TV,  he doesn’t.  actually its the opposite.  See when I say we watched Wreck it Ralph or Brave ,  I mean it was on, and we were doing something else.  See,  its back ground noise. Its actually a really bad habit, don’t know how to break.  we seem to need the back ground noise, and music doesn’t work for me.

On a side note,  we are reading ” how to train a dragon” series, and its awesome. We read a chapter a night almost.  we are now on the 2nd book. They are really good and I would recommend the to everyone.

See I enjoy reading but only things I like, or trip my trigger.  And I know that reading is good for children, but I can’t stand the kids book, with pictures and a word or two ( or sentence) on each page… those drive me nuts.  And to be honest Kids just need the reading right now, so I do books in which i can get involved with so my kids can watch and hear me get excited and into the book… i do this with hope that it may excited them when they are older.  But more importantly it teaches them new words and lets them use their imagination.

Right now its the Dragon series and when we are done and both kids are a little older we will move on to lemony snicket, and  The Harry potter series and then the ultimate seriers… Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.

I know most think I should do the younger books in order to teach them to read, but that’s not me or how I work.  I read to me kids because its our time, this is something we can do together.  and we are experiencing it together.  But more importantly because they enjoy it and I enjoy it.  They will learn to read, but this is story time.  This is the time in which they can use their imagination.

to be honest I probably should have started with limony snicket and than dragons,  but oh well.

Mass cleaning day!!!!!

So we are cleanin….g the house today, mass cleaning,  Spring cleaning really.  and even though you might say ” Spring cleaning?, its not spring” .. Ummm yeah, I live in AZ,  its spring for us.  In AZ its either really hot, extremely hot, cooling down , and nice, and then we restart.  Its almost time for the Really hot to begin.  Stupid climate change.

 

Any way, we are cleaning our house out and getting rid of as much as we can.

its not fun,  I will repeat , Not funny.  having two babies running around and pulling out everything we put away, and than creating new spills over the spills we have just cleaned up.

 

So to re cap, we are running around like a chicken with their heads cut off……. yep just the normal parenting stuff.  ( as a side note: no one explained this in the parenting manual)

Oh my Thursday…..Its Over

Well I am glad today is over….

and In case you don’t know what that means… It means… Its Friday!  which means Its the weekend!

ITS THE WEEKEND!  well at least it will be once I get off of work.

oh and a side note, I am now down to 144 pounds

yep yep…. I am actually a little shocked!

Also on a parenting note,  potty training is hard. I mean it, really hard.  I don’t know what I am doing.  and I don’t know what I am doing wrong.  The hardest part… keeping calm, and reminding myself,  he is a baby and doesn’t understand.

For example Yesterday at daycare our sons Teacher told us this.

MR was playing outside during recess,  and well he had an accident. and he doesn’t like his accidents, so he didn’t want to be wet anymore.

in case you don’t know what is going to happen,  let me just skip to the part the teacher noticed.  MR ran up to her and handed her his shoes, socks, pants and underwear.

and than turned around showing his little naked butt and went to run back to the juggle jim.

Yep he was naked from the bottom down,  but he wasn’t done playing so he tried to run back and play. She had to grab him and try not to laugh, and tell him he couldn’t run around naked in from of people.

Yeah,  my son the nudist….. the teacher could barely keep herself from laughing as he described what happened.

 

Having a conversation with my son

I had a conversation with my son the other day.

it went like this :

Me on the computer just looking at stuff,  My son wanted to go to the Disney store site. So I went to the Disneystore.com

On the Disney website we were looking at the supper heroes,  and my son pointed to Iron man

MR: “mama, Iron Man, me, I Ironman.” , Me: “you are Ironman”

MR:”yes.  and you,  you captain America. see” ( he pointed to captain america); Me;  “that’s me? ” MR, “yes”

Me “what about dad?”  MR: “HULK,  daddy HULK”  ; basically saying like duh mama, of course

Me : “oh really Daddy HULK,?”     MR”Yes”

Me: “What about Sissy and brother, ”       MR ” Oh sissy spider man and brother, hammer”

Me” Hammer?, You mean Thor?”           MR ” Yes, Thor”

***So there you have it, in case you didn’t know,  you are talking to the Avengers Family.*****

Bet you didn’t know you were reading the blog of a famous super hero family!

being a parent

well I can tell you I am a parent, and my kids rule.  And I don’t mean that because they are awesome, cause they are. I say that cause they control and rule over me in every way.

Example,  for the past two weeks I thinks we have watched Wreck it Ralph and Brave like every day.  And my food,  at least the food I intend to eat, well they eat it. Which is probably why I am still loosing weight.

The cutest thing I have to say that happened today was, picking up my kids from day care.  See, I went to pick them up today,  and I went to my little lady’s room first.  She saw me, creamed “MAMA” than got up ran and cried to me.

Yep she cried to me.  Its actually really odd,  when ever we pick her up from day care, she sees us and the first thing she does is cry. That is how she greats us. She Cries,  So I guess she really missed us.  It feels odd when she does it, because the teachers and other parents (picking up their kids) all look at us.  But She misses us,  and I guess overwhelmed when she sees us and just can’t help it.

As for my son,  well he is a talker now,  and is starting to tell us everything.  And by everything I mean, he told us how a kid in his class hit him and the next day he pointed the kids out.  Now I will be honest,  it took a lot not to walk over to the little bully and smack him for hitting my baby.  But I did good, we told the teacher and let the school handle it for right now.  I can’t help it I am extremely protect of my baby.

As a side note ( we all now how much I love my side notes) : I am still a newish parent,  and my parenting style is well, I guess, Attachment parenting.  In case you haven’t already figured it out.  I don’t believe in spanking, my kids sleep in the same room and most nights the same bed.  I do believe in allowing the child to explore and well making their own “safe choices”. I don’t push my kids away but instead let them do the leaving on their own, letting them know that we are here for them when they return.  Yes I spoil my kids but I want them to take chances in life and know that if they really need us we will be there for them.  Oh parenting, its basically a glorified teaching job.  Yes teachers say they are under paid, well being a parent you don’t get paid you do it out of love.

Well that enough from me today……But one final thing…..I LOVE MY KIDS!

 

BED TIME , HA WHO NEEDS A BED TIME……

****warning parenting post***

yeah I never said i was the best parent in the word.  or that i was even trying to be the best.  But I do love my kids

Anyway,  its like 10:30pm and my two-year old is still up and going strong.  He is actually sitting right next to me.  We are watching Doc McStuffins.  And next its Henry Hugglemonsters …… something tells me he isn’t going down anytime soon.  we are in for a night of Disney jr

and On a side note,  for being a boy and loving all things boy,  he sure does love Doc McStuffins.

Today, Today, Today…….MMMMMMmmm Not a good day I say

Well, today was a bad day.  bad day as a mother, I guess.

I have a job I like,  just not the pay.  And this is the problem.  Or part of the problem.   I make around 1k less,  and this digs deep into our ability to provide for our family.

I just found out today that I wouldn’t get paid for thanksgiving and the day after thanksgiving.  This check that I just received today, I was hoping to be able to but its short.  which means I am short on funds.

I knew that It was a long shot, but I was hoping. And I know its stupid to be upset over something like this,  but I was hoping, just hoping that I could pull it off.

I know I shouldn’t be whinnying over material items, such as Christmas presents, But there is no worse feeling to feel for a parent to know that you let your kids down,  especially on a holiday like Christmas.  Yes my kids are 3 and 1, but I also have a stepson who is 14 and a stepdaughter who is 12. and my little boy is 3 and he knows about Santa and has been surprisingly talking about Santa for the last couple of weeks.  And I feel like I have failed them.

it really sucks right now.  I feel like a really big failure.  I don’t know how to tell them that we can’t do it this year, and i don’t know they will react.  Kids shouldn’t have to deal with thing like this.  I really don’t know what to do, and nothing seems to be right, like there is no right answer.

how do you tell kids that there is no Christmas,  I feel like the Grinch.

it just sucks, really bad, really sucks .

guess who is walking!!!!!!

***WARNING MOM ABOUT TO BRAG ABOUT CHILD****

now that you have been warned

My little Lady is walking, well sort of walking.  She gets up,  stands there for a little and takes a few steps and either grabs on to something and continues ( with holding on) or she just sit down.

I know she is over 1,  to be exact she is 14 months. And to be honest my son walked at 10 1/2 months.  But she is my little girl, my baby, and since I am not wealthy ( and from the looks of it never be) she is my last.  So she will always be my little baby.

Right now she is my little baby walking,  not much of an actual baby anymore.

go little lady go

 

Family night, turned into alone time?

muppets

Its family movie night, or so I thought.

I got off of work early today, 5 pm with being picked up instead of a bus ride home, and we picked up my stepson (from his moms) and our kids ( from daycare) and than we went to Costco to get a few things and dinner, what else but Pizza.  *****its friday and friday for me means Pizza, this has been tradition for me since I was a kid****

Came home, made the pizza and thought cool family time.  Turned on the tv for our movie,  ABC family is showing ” The Muppet Christmas Carol” ,  which is great.  At least I thought,  but some how what was to be movie night turned into me sitting in the front room myself before I knew it.

First, my 1-year-old little lady,  fell asleep in my arms ( 7:15pm) so I put her down.  Next some how my fiance went into the other room to go on the computer,  he left just as I put her down,  when I came back out from laying her down he was gone.

I sat back down,  this time just me, my Step son and my little MR. as I was getting into the movie, MR was gone (735),  it turned out he walked into the bedroom and laid down and went to sleep with his baby sister.

So it was just me and my step son, so I though.  It turns out 14-year-old don’t want to watch the Muppets or a Christmas carol.  On to his nook with him and into the other room ( his bed room).  This left me alone, by myself,  watch the movie at 8pm.  Within an hour it went from family time and movie to little old me by myself.

mmmmmm…. I guess there goes family movie night.   knew this would happen at  some point, I just thought I had some more years.  Oh well,  I will watch the Muppets Christmas Carol by myself then.   They don’t know what they are missing.

Day care time

Well the kids have been in day care for 3 weeks total, even though they were not really in day care for the 2nd week as they were so sick and we couldn’t take them.  Now the kids are feeling better, but not 100%. But this week brought us a dilemma.

The first week of day care went great; the kids seemed to like it and by kids I mean my son (my little lady cried her eyes out when we dropped her off and when we picked her up).  My son, actually, loved it.  He was excited every day and when we picked him up he would tell us no (he didn’t want to leave) and for us to leave, he wanted to play.  But by Friday he had started to get sick (and he had his first “accident” at day care, he tripped and fell and hit his head) and by Sunday it was full blown sick

So he missed day care almost all the 2nd week, we brought him in on Wednesday only to pick him back up as he started to run a temp again.  So we kept him home the rest of the week. The little lady went on Wednesday and Friday

Which brings us to this Monday…… We asked are son on Sunday if he was excited about going to school, he said no we asked him why , and being 2 he just repeated no.  We dropped it not thinking much of it. And then Monday came we dropped them off and he started to cry.  The kid that would push us to go and leave the 1st week was no crying for us to not let him go.

We of course left him, telling him the usually, go play with your friends and we will see you later, don’t worry you will have fun.  When I went to pick him up, we ran to me excited to see me (which was great) eager to leave and go home.

these actions continued on Tuesday and again today ( Wednesday)  and now I am worried to why all of a sudden does he not want to go,  did something happen that my little man can’t tell me ( that he is unable to express) or is this because he isn’t 100% better.  We asked him every day this week if he was excited to go to day care, and he said no.  We asked him if he had fun and played, he says play yes, and friends yes and then we ask him if he is excited about going tomorrow and he says no.  Very firmly no. We asked him every day this week if he was excited to go to day care, and he said no.  We asked him if he had fun and played, he says play yes, and friends yes and then we ask him if he is excited about going tomorrow and he says no.  Very firmly no.

Yes I am actually worried about this, and I don’t know what to do.  His first week went great and now this.  I don’t understand and I don’t know what to do to help him. I do wonder if this is normal for kids or if something is really wrong.  I am at a loss of what to do.

Being a parent – the worst thing

worst part of being a parent… is when your child is sick and there is nothing you can do to help them.

Sunday night:

 

My little Lady Sophia is sick and she can’t sleep because she can’t breathe. I had to put her in the shower, I held her tight just so the steam could hopefully open her nose up.  She fell asleep in my arms….

I feel so bad for her and nevertheless she will be sleeping with us tonight…

but I did learn that while my son is a cuddle bug when sick, the little lady is a whiner.

enjoying my Saturday, loving being a mom

I am enjoying my Saturday and loving being a mom today.  the thing that sucks being back at work is missing the kids.  It funny I spent so much time wanting to get back to work ( cause I have to as I have bills to pay), I forgot about how much I will miss when I am gone.

Today my 2-year-old son and I had a conversation about Peter pan and Captain Hook.  and we had a hug squeezing match, I find that he is really strong and good at hugs.

My little lady is not feeling good today, running nose and a little cranky.  but still full of mischief.

My kids are 100% my ray of light and they make every day an adventure.

I am looking forward to my fiance coming home from work, so we can run to Costco. And than home for, wait for it , wait for it…..Family Movie night.  I love Family Movie night.

I find that it’s the littlest things in life are what makes life worth living for.

Happy Saturday to all and I have you have a great day.

 

 

update on job

As I was doing my daily “stay at home mom” stuff,  my cell rang ( I didn’t hear it) and a voice mail was left.  I didn’t even notice as I didn’t expect a call from anyone today, and My family knows to call me on the house phone during the day ( as I have minutes on my cell).

Around 2pm I checked my phone, and then the voice mail.  My possible new job called…. they wanted to move up the orientation from Monday to tomorrow at 10am , Thursday Oct 31st.

I tried to call back to confirm but no one picked up,  I left a messages and will call back first thing at 8am.

So It looks like this is all happening… I can’t believe it.  I am so nervous…. I am preparing everything right now so all I have to do is get up, take a  shower, get dressed ( do make up and hair) and go.  due to the orientation being is mesa,  I will have to leave my house at 830 to get there on time due to rush hour.  so glad I don’t have to go all the way out there every day. …. the actual job is located a lot closer and I can take 1 city bus to get there.  which is great.

Halloween Fun – kids style

I can honestly tell you that Halloween has changed a lot since I was a kids,  it seems more expensive but at the same time it doesn’t seem like people are putting the same effort in as they used to either.

But on the bright side of it all,  it sure does seem longer.  So far we have been to 3 Halloween events ( over the weekend)  and Halloween is tomorrow.  Its been fun and It makes spending $16.00 for one outfit worth it.  My son is Ironman this year,  we bought the outfit from Costco like 2 months ago,  he has been wearing it non stop so I think it was a good buy.  But for our little lady, yeah , mmmm we haven’t bought an outfit.  I will being going to target shortly to see if they have any Halloween onesies left, but don’t plan on spending more than $10.00 (including tax) on it, or going to Savers to see what they have, and if I can’t find anything, well sorry to say than she isn’t dressing up.   ( as we just don’t have the funds this year)

Either way she won’t really be trick or treating as she can’t really walk, she can’t talk and she can’t have candy ( minus M&M’s for breakfast apparently).  She will be going with us, but just in a stroller.

On Halloween we have a lot of plans, so I am glad that both of us have the day off( well minus his school in the morning).  we will be trick or treating at the mall for a little, than home for a nap and then a walk through our neighborhood, and then off to my dads, then to my step moms, and after that we go to the church for some “truck or treating”.

After the night is over with, than we go home and put in “The Nightmare before Christmas”,  we watch it ever year and its a staple of Halloween for us

It’s so cute to hear my son say in a little voice “trick or treat ” and then “thank you”

I am really looking forward to it this year.

adoption blog part 5

This week I want to do something a little different, as you may be aware by now, I jump around (a lot). I can’t help this; this is how my mind works.

I thought this week I would share where I am in my life with my adoption

My adoption has been over 12 1/2 years.  It’s not something that I have ever concealed, as I stated prior. I see my child (we will call her “N”) and her family at least once a year and talk on the phone to either her or her mom (we will call “M”).

In the 12 1/2 since my adoption of my daughter our adoption has changed considerable since the beginning.  There was no clear idea of what the openness of our adoption would be so at first it was just letters and photos. By the time “N” was one, “M” and I were in contacted with each other and decided to do a meeting, face to face.  It was the first time I would have seen “N” since leaving the hospital and 2nd time seeing her parents altogether (I only met them once before and that’s during the adoption stage)

I went up after “N’s” 1st birthday; my father took me up and came with me.   It was strange to see “N”, it was bizarre to hold her, she didn’t seem to be the same child, she seem better.  She was an angel. I remember being scared and afraid that she wouldn’t like me or wouldn’t want I near her.   But that isn’t what happened.  She came up to me, we played together, and she let me hold her.  It was like she already knew me.  I can’t explain it but it felt like she already knew me.  “M” told me after that that was the first time he ever did that.  She said that “N” wouldn’t let anyone hold her expect for immediate family, she didn’t like strangers and didn’t really like close friends hold her. “M” was astonished that she would walk straight up to me and had no problem being around me.

She later said (that she thinks) that there is a biological bond between us or something like that. “M” has always encouraged our relationship and has always been happy about it.  She says this is what she always wanted with her oldest child’s mom, but never could due to it being a closed adoption.

Her mother: “M” is a wonderful person, knowing her and knowing them as a family has helped me heal and cope with the adoption.  I never fear for my child, I know that she has an incredible life; one that I could never had been able to provide her. (And when I say that I don’t mean incredible due to material objects, but I mean with the warmth and Love they provide to her as a family)

I know that some people may say all you need is love, but the reality is that love doesn’t pay rent, electric, water, child care and food.  And state assistance only goes so far.  I don’t know that I would have been able to do it. But I do know that she deserved better than that. (I don’t believe that I child should suffer for their parents errors or lives)

Knowing them has made my process easy and has allowed me to be able to move on.  I don’t know if I would have survived if it wasn’t for them.  I know that I couldn’t do a closed adoption.  I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself not knowing and always wondering. I couldn’t just let her go and I still can’t, I love her too much to just let go.

Knowing them has made me improved me as a person and enhanced my life.  “M” is a remarkable person and extraordinary mother, I wish I was blessed enough to have such a mother.  There are very few people I look up to in this world, the list is very small and at the time of my life the top of that list is my stepmother (soon to be divorced from my dad) and the other is “M”.

I can’t stress enough that I am happy with my choice and don’t regret it.  I believe that everything happens for a reason, and this child was meant to for to be, even if she wasn’t meant for me.

And so Step 1 has been accomplished *warning parent about to brag about baby*

My little lady took her first real steps today!

It happened out of the blue , no clue, no signs,  out of no where she got up and took a step.

it all happened as I was playing on the laptop (and watching my children play) I noticed my little lady stand up,  and took a step and another and then another , a total of like 4 (maybe 5 steps)  and then she stopped,  inches from her big brother, and then all of a sudden she smacked him like 3 times. Than she sat down and scooted off into the other direction.  Both MR (my son) and I were shocked and our mouths were wide open, we couldn’t believe what happened. her brother upset that she hit him, and me stunned not sure if I should congratulate her on walking or do angry voice for her hitting.

It turned out all she needed was a little motivation to get those first steps happening

Well played little lady well-played.

 

M&M for breakfast? as Kids story *warning parent about to talk about their child*

As I was making breakfast for the kids ( eggs , again) my fiance thought it would be great idea to give the kids some M&M’s has they wait.  Yep M&M’s first thing in the morning. I rolled my eyes at him and he just laughed at me then yelled for both kids.  Our 2-year-old, ran as fast as he could and obviously got there first,  so he got most of the M&M. But the best part:

The best part was when the our little lady scooted as fast as she could to the play table to get some.  she was able to grab three,  one she kept in her hand (which was the last one on the table),  and when my fiance asked her if she was eat it she just looked at him and smiled.  he told her to eat whats in her hand or give it to brother.  In which my 2-year-old son ran up to her hands open and said “me, mine”.  Right than the little lady took one hand out ripped out her pacifier and as quickly as possible put the last M&M in her mouth.  and then smiled a chocolate grin at her brother.  She sat back down and scooted back into the living room and left her brother hanging, hands and jaws open and all.

I think she got the last laugh on that one.

Goals for this week (Monday 10/28 to Sunday 11/3)

I am going to make some small goals for myself each week, this will hopefully help with being able to obtain the big goals.

goals for this week

1) drink only 7 sodas this week – which will be 1 soda a day

2) no fast food, all week-long…. this one will be hard as the fiance likes to stop and get some on the way home…

3) walk a mile a day

4) Try to take care of my DL by the end o the week

5) hopefully get a job –  until I actually start my first day, I am not considered  employed

6) try to keep calm ( don’t yell or take out issues on other people) and remember that things will happen and nothing is worth having if it’s not worth fighting for……….don’t beat myself up as I can’t control everything.  and Remember to breathe

7) long shot…. get the almost 2-year-old potty trained

8) get child care taken care of….

9) finish the laundry

and I think that this is it for right now……. wish me luck ,  I will need it.

Busy end of the month!

last week of the month and its busy

This is the week I find out for 100% if I have the job ,  I won’t say i have it as i don’t really believe that I do, until my first day.

I am going to have to set up Daycare next week for my children,  which sucks as My little Lady has never been in daycare ( she was at home the entire time) We are going to check out one last place ( re check out actually) and than if its a yes, do all the paper work needed to enroll.

I hope to get my DL this week,  i have no problem passing the written test, but I am so scared of driving that I never had the balls to actually take the driving test.  But part of my goal is to grow up and face my fears.  so hear we go facing my fear.

My weigh in is tomorrow and I don’t believe that I have lost any weight and I am scared of the weigh in,  but I know I have to face it and I need to loose weight

I quit smoking and drinking ( not that i was a drinker, but it just isn’t healthy)  when i got pregnant with my son,   i almost lost my son when he was born and i can’t imagine loosing him because I die due to my unhealthy life style.  I want to be part of my son’s life ,  not sitting on the side line watching it happen from a distance,  So I will loose this 60 pounds and prove to my self and my son about eating healthy and living a healthy lifestyle.

here is hoping next week is productive and an all around good week.

 

 

Warning – Parent about to share about their child- warning

So after the warning you can’t complain about this post.  I love my son,  he is 2 , on his way to being 3 ( in December)

today as we are flipping through the channel, my fiance stopped on doctor who and my son lost it,  He screamed doctor who.  than my fiance to be a “butt” changed it to a cartoon,  but my son being as awesome as he is, said no to the cartoon and told his father, ” I want Doctor who” ( in his two your old voice)

 

yes My son is awesome,  knows a good thing when he sees it.

stay at home mom blues

Now that I am a “stay at home mom” (looking for a job) I find that my pretty went away, it seems to be on vacation.

I don’t get up in a rush, my days no longer consist of getting up, and getting dressed up.  I deal with dirty diapers, spills, messes, and accidents.  I take a shower when I get a chance, usually after my children are already cleaned up and when I am done, I put on sweats, and a t-shirt.  I might not even really brush my hair, as it’s just going to go up in pony anyway. I don’t even got to the bathroom by myself anymore, it feels more like a family event.

My time is spent cleaning up and dressing up my kids, as if I am their personal servant, which I think I am.  It’s like “Cinderella, minus the evil step mom and stepsister.  I do get hugs and kisses but I also get fits and throwing.  In addition, I will tell you for being 2 years old my son has one hell of an aim, and sad to say that aim happens to be my head or his sisters) I would love to dress up and make myself pretty, but I just don’t have the energy to start.

I have the mama blues,

Thursday morning

Today is calm so far.

My little lady is standing a bunch today.  She is 1 years old and refuses to walk.  She is a cautious child.  but she is also really small, ( I swear she still looks like she can pass for a 9 month old,  she is also still able to 9 month cloths ) I know is wanting to walk but she still isn’t steady.  I think she might have another month or 2 before she can actually walk.

My duder (my son, this is one of his nicknames) walked up to her and pushed her down when she was standing, he still has a little bit of problems with her, but regardless we know he loves her and even though he will probably never admit it, he can’t be without her.

If she is sleeping in the other room, he doesn’t like it and will ask repeatedly “sissy up yet” or “let’s get sissy”.  He will even sneak into the room and wake her up.  We also can’t do anything without it being the two of them; he doesn’t like her not being right there, even if it is to push her down.

My son also took it upon himself to answer the phone today, it was cute.  He ran over to the land-line, jumped up, grabbed the phone (on the 2nd try), picked it up, and said “Hello” and then he was silent, and as it turns out listening to a recorded message.  Nevertheless, he felt like one big boy.

Even though at times I get bored over her, staying home all day, with nothing really to do, my children do make it fun, they give me a good laugh.  And even though I really want adult interaction, I find their company to be better than that of my former coworkers.

I can honestly still say that even though I am stressed and want a job really badly, it’s not bad enough to want to go back there.  (Don’t get me wrong, its wasn’t the job I had problems with it was a couple of the coworkers)

Wednesday hump day turned into Wednesday Rough day.

Today was rough, very rough.  and right now i am incredibly happy that  I haven’t told anybody I know about this blog.  as it gives me the ability to speak about it without all the Q&A regarding it

my goals for today were blown away,  not because i did anything wrong, it’s because i had other things on my mind. I did have good news,  my little cousin came back to the USA and is visiting family for the next 3 weeks until he gets stationed in Europe ( on his easy assignment) . and I got a call today for a possible job interview,  i will find out more tomorrow.

but today was taken over by family,  or family drama to be correct.

almost all my family drama comes from my fiance’s side, not because there isn’t family drama on my side, it’s just that we aren’t really a family on my side.  between all the divorces and falling outs we aren’t who we used to be, we are not as close.

there are perks to being not as close but more negative, at the end of the day there isn’t a family there.

as of today i haven’t decided what is better,  the drama and a family or the lack of drama and no real family unit.

but that is life,  there are always ups and downs in everything,  it’s a scientific fact.

Adoption blog – part 2

Adoption is a funny thing, its causes so much pain to one and at the same time provides so much happiness to another.  It’s hard to describe and the only people who truly understand it are those that have been through it.  We are a small club, but in that club, we are all so different and so are our stories.

I am part of that club; I am birth mother, to an amazing daughter of an open adoption.  I am not ashamed of this, in fact, I am proud of it, but finding understanding and acceptance in from people not part of this club is difficult.  I consider myself lucky, lucky to have found a wonderful extended family for my child that was open to the idea of an Open Adoption.

I know that others are not as lucky as I am, not every birth parent has my experience, and the idea of adoption from the viewpoint of the birth parent is usually shown in a negative way.  It is presumed that once the child is born and the papers are sign that we are just to move on as if nothing happened, as if we can just pick up where we left off 9 months prior.  To pretend as if this was all dream, and we are made to feel like we have done something wrong.

So many birth parents follow this rule, and I believe that with them keeping quiet and refusing to talk about it has prevented them from healing.  I refused to follow the golden rules and ideas that were presented to me on how a birth parent in an adoption is supposed to act like.  I did not keep quiet, and pretend as if nothing happened.  And, how could I?  I had all the emotional and physical scars as proof that it happened.  I spoke up and told everyone about my child and my choice.  I was not ashamed of my choice and refused to be made to feel as if I should be.  I did not keep quiet about it and go into the shadows a fade away like the memory of a deep dream as suggested to me.  Neither did her parents, together we defined our own idea of what adoption is and what open can mean.

I started blogging about my adoption, as I wanted to show a viewpoint from birth parent that does not end in regret or despair.  A story in which shows what good can come from an open adoption, not only for the child in question, but also for the healing process for both the child and biological parent.  My open adoption has allowed me to heal, to find peace and forgiveness; this is the same for my child and her family.

My experience is unique and is its own, and I know that there are people out there that are facing the same situation and choices every day, as I once did.  I wanted to show that yes, even though adoption is hard and sucks, good things can happen too.  I also wanted to show that birth parent don’t have to keep quiet, and stay in the dark.  By talking about the experience(s), that we have been through can help the difficult and sometimes long healing process.

Parent and child influence – nerd/Geek training

just something that is a little funny.  i was watching BBC america and something came on for doctor who, and my 2-year-old son came running to me screaming in excitement,  “doctor who doctor who mama”  ,  he was giggling,

Yep ,  being a nerd/Geek is contagious or is it in the blood, Not sure. I got to say i think i am doing a pretty good job.  It started with Harry Potter, Ironman, Hulk and Captain America , Now its doctor Who I think he is old enough for “Star Wars” now.  Pretty soon it will be my little girl next.  I can just imagine it now,  Luke and Leia for Halloween in a couple of years.

Nerd/Geek children on the best!

parenting 101 : don’t make excuses for others

There are many rules of parenting and yes, some rules only apply to others.  but in general the main parenting rules are common sense.

I just had an argument on Facebook with a fellow “friend” ( when i say friend I use it loosely) on Facebook.  regardless of who she is I had an argument with her.  and I don’t care if it made her angry.  and yes I think I am 100% right.

I learned a long time ago to take responsibility for my own actions,  and to stop blaming others for my mistakes or short comings.  I believe this philosophy is the same with parenting.  It is our jobs as parents to raise and teach our children,  not teachers.  Teachers  jobs are only to educate them with regards math, science and reading, but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t to help them there too.  Granted over the years teachers have had to try to make up for the lack of parenting of some of their students ( but that is a discussion for another day)

In short her post was in regard to the statement the sheriff in Florida released regarding the parents of the Bullies  who bullied a young girl while she was alive and even after she died .

“”I’m aggravated that the parents aren’t doing what parents should do,” the sheriff said. “Responsible parents take disciplinary action.”

As a parent I agree with the sheriff but I believe that the correct action needed to be  done before the child took her life,  correct parenting would have prevented the bullying in full or would have stopped it prior to the girl committing suicide.  My heart goes out to this young girl’s family, as this situation should have been prevented or stopped prior the tragic end of her life.

At the end of it all the parents of the bullies are just as guilty as those that did the bullying.  They were the parents and had control over all the devises these girls were using to harass this girl.  Facebook is a privilege and should be monitored at all times,  All post should be read as they are going out,  there are programs that can control this, same with the cell phones.  I understand that technology has advanced and is involved in every aspect of our lives but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be parents and that we shouldn’t be monitoring our children ( even if we trust them). remember,  growing up, no matter how much we loved our parents or how close we were to them there were things that we never told them, so we should never assume that our children are telling us everything.  We are not our children’s friends,  we are not here to make them happy or give them thing that we didn’t have.  We are here to raise them,  to prepare them for the world, and part of that is understand the effect that our child could have on others.  We are all connect to each other and out actions can have an effect on someone else lives and lets hope that affect is a positive one.

now regards to her post ( I have copied and pasted from Facebook) – 

Post 1) You fucktards TOOK AWAY OUR RIGHT TO DISCIPLINE OUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!! God that quote pisses me off to no end!!!! Kids are  ) running rampant, disrespectful, violent, and no regard for others! Why? Because people don’t know how to mind their own business and LET US DO OUR JOBS AS PARENTS

Post 2)  but the parents aren’t doing their JOB because of how screwed the system is now

Post 3 ) People are SCARED to do anything because of people calling the police and reporting to CPS. For no damn reason other than they have nothing better to do than to butt in to other peoples business. And that’s a fact.

*********

what got me angry is the part where it is assumed that parents rights to discipline have been taken away.  they haven’t,  Over the years parenting has changed and yes, so have views and Bad parenting habits are being reviewed and laws created to prevent abuse.  To assume that these parents were unable to discipline or punish their children is a cop-out.  the idea that parents are scared to discipline their children is untrue. if you are fearful of CPS than you are more than likely you doing something wrong and might need to rethink your parenting.  The idea that people / parents are afraid to discipline their children is a lie.  What are they afraid  of : Time outs? taking TV away? no video games? no playing with friends? or is it just the fact that they don’t want to parent or take care of their kids.

To give these parents an excuse, for not doing their job is unacceptable.  To try to justify the acting that have been done by using this excuse is a cop-out as a parent.

Parents right have not been taken away and to assume that if someone see something wrong that they shouldn’t do something is  irresponsible.  It is the responsibility of each of us to file complaints,  or get help for someone if we see them in trouble.  To stand around and watch something happen and do nothing makes you just as guilty as the party doing the action and makes us part of the problem not the solution.

There is no reason parents should be afraid of being a parent.  If there are People out there they feel this way, than they have no right to be a parent.

After 2 kids I can honestly say that this is the hardest thing I have ever done,  and yes I have fears everyday but not about disciplining my children .  I am not the best parent in the world but do the best I can do, and I am always looking for ways to improve myself and how to parent.  I am not afraid of my kids or disciplining them and i am not afraid of asking for help or advise.  I believe that this is what makes us better parents.

potty training epic fail

i have been trying to potty train my almost 3-year-old son now for about 9 months ,  and I think I can say I am an epic fail at it.

i know he knows how to use the potty,  i know he knows when he has to go.  But yet he doesn’t.  I know that he knows as i have seen him do it.  yet still its only when he wants to.

My epic fail comes from our visit / “play date and the mall”

he had to go ,  he said he had to go but yet refused.

what happened his, I took him to the bathroom, and he flat-out refused to go to the bathroom until he was completely naked, shoes and socks and all.  by the time i got him undressed , he had gone.  and requested me to put a new outfit on him. Not because I peed on any of it,  because he has decided that like a diaper his outfit needs to be changed every time he goes.

In short, at home now ,  he goes through 2 outfits in the morning and 5 after that before he goes to bed.  and to make matters worse he forces me to wash them after. by force,  he throws his cloths in the washer.

It’s that moment in life when you realized whom actually is in control.  it’s the 2-year-old.

I would say i need help potty training but I think we all know I am way beyond help

Being Mom

Being just mom right now has been great but stressful.  I miss the grown up time.  I honestly can’t remember the last time i was able to actually watch one of my shows during the day…. As of right now my channel is stuck on Disney or Disney Jr.  My laughs come from Jesse, Good Luck Charlie or Shake it up.  and our mornings belong to Jake, Sofia and Doc.  By breaks are with tinker bell and Mickey.

Regardless if the kids are watching TV or in their room playing, you can always hear Disney.  and God save you if you think about changing the channel,  the kids will let you have it.

I have lost complete control,  I am own and operated by my children.  with a Disney logo branded on my forehead

here’s to you Disney Jr and Disney

disney JR

adoption part 3

I find that even though my adoption had been over 11 years,  it’s still hard to actually talk about the details.

I have no problems talking or saying that I have had an adoption,  but the details are a little harder.  I am a little bit more guarded.  The details suck to talk about.

It’s hard to explain to people,  its hard because I am ashamed of my actions during my pregnancy and i wish I did things different, i wish I was strong enough back than to have done things different.

I think that is the problem most people like me have..  it’s not the adoption but the reasons the lead up to the adoption.  it the fact knowing that you have failed. That you weren’t good enough for your own child.  that your own actions lead to all of these.

i have spent my whole life since than trying not to make the same mistakes,  trying to make up for my lacking.  for my down fall, i guess.

would i have done thing differently …….. yes, yes i would.

I wouldn’t have staying in my so-called relationship.  I wish i could have left, I wish left,  this is what I wish the most.

I knew he was cheating on me,  i knew he didn’t care,  but I was so scared, so afraid. I was so weak back than, ( its not that I am strong now,  just stronger than I was) .

Talking about what lead up to the adoption and during the pregnancy is hard….  I don’t like this part.

Thursday – is childcare day

I have no idea if I have a new job or even close to getting one, but I thought that I would start to look for childcare and get the kids ready just in case as their old sitter can no longer watch them.

I have a very busy day ahead of me , and going to see a couple of places, by myself as their father has work and school that day ( great excuses to get out of it, I know)

I keep telling my self this will be fun and great,  but I don’t think so,  nothing seems fun about this really,  drag 2 kids along to several places where other kids are crying and screaming and toys all around them,  this will be great.

either way,  i look forward to the day in which i can actually put my children in child care so I can go to work.

I am not the stay at home type of mother,  I love my kids and I wish i could afford it but I can’t. So this is the only next to best thing i can give them.

Hoping tomorrow goes great and I get lucky and find the place that will be the best for them and teach them the most

not ignoring, just well not sure

So I have reached this point in the last week where I am at a loss.  One moment I am like yay! and the other well , down in a well.  Job searching sucks, and interviewing sucks.  I don’t even know at this point what is a good interview, and when its time to run.  I now go into almost all interviews with a positive outlook and leave disappointed no matter what happens.

My weight,  well lets not start there.  I am actually don’t even know where to start with it.  I know i have problems,  in the eating area that prevents me from really loosing weight.  I don’t know how to control any of my emotions so I can’t control my eating too.  I don’t know if I can ever control my eating especially with carbs.  this is my weakness.

Well my family, life has its moments, not my kids or fiance.  ( well not him directly) My fiance family is one of our problems ( but not with us   just with them)  and then there’s my family or lack of family.  Yes my family is huge by numbers but not close at all.  I come from a normal family,  both parents are divorced ( since i was 1) and remarried ,  but my dad and step-mom are in the middle of a divorce now. Oh and both set of my grandparents are divorced,  and the grandpa’s are remarried ( one is actually on his 4th wife I think) ,  with all of this , I have learned to put no value in marriage,  instead of caring about a piece of paper,  I care more about our actual relationship,  I don’t know if we will ever marry but I know that I don’t care.  it won’t change anything.

My daughter had her first birthday,  and out of my actual very large family and extended family of over 75 people only 2 people showed up,  3 if you count my dad who had to work late.  It’s not that they didn’t show up, and i can careless about a gift ( she doesn’t need anything)  it’s that she didn’t matter enough to be acknowledge on her birthday. that’s what bothered me.  It’s not about a party or presents,  it’s about love and being there for each other. My children have entered a time where there is a lack of family,  and it sadness me.  Growing up I was surrounded by my grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles ( great aunts and uncles too) and cousins.  but all of that is gone now.  People die, divorce and start what they call their own families  and i guess with all that you are left with really nothing. i find myself now at almost 32 with no mother ( due to her remarriage, and i guess I am not part of that or good enough in her eyes to belong) , a father and stepmother who are going their own ways now, and aunts and uncles that now have grown children  and they are doing their own things too.

it leaves me to wonder what happened to family?  where did they go?

When times got tough and you needed advise with work, children, marriage or money you could turn to family.  Now you are left looking inward and wondering what to do and where to go and what happens next.  there is no one there to help guide you or give advice.  it feels like we are all left to deal with this on our own and we are all walking and bumping into each other with no real direction on where to go next and what to do.

Adoption part 2 – awareness of choice

This is my second post,  and it’s not what I originally wanted to post this week.  I changed my blog post yesterday ( Saturday evening) after an email I received from my Daughters mother.

***I little bit of a back story,  I gave my child up to a loving couple that already had a prior child from a prior adoption. I gave my child to them because they had another child that was adopted too.  I wanted her to grow up with someone just like her.  When I gave her up open adoption was still well new,  and Open had a lot of different meanings depending on the person/family.  Her sister was from a closed adoption, not by their choice but because this is what the birth mother wanted.  This blog is written because of this closed adoption***

Every day their daughter struggles with her adoption because she has no answers,  She wants to know why,  just one question, why.  It causes her a great deal of emotional pain.  It isn’t enough that her parents love her,  she needs to know.  and she has the right to now.  It broke  my heart while I read this email she sent me and sent me to my knees,  I would do anything to take her pain away.

No child should have to feel the way she feels, and no parent should have to watch helplessly as their child struggles with questions they can’t answer.

If I can tell anybody any thing about adoption it is this, Open is great and the best way to go about it.  That is in reference to an actual adoption,  not a state adoption where the child was abused or removed.  but an actual adoption where a person chooses to give their child up.

My goal in life is to encourage as many people as I can to be open to adoption as a whole and to be accepting of it.  But I also want to make people aware of open adoptions and how great they can be,  not for the birth parents but for the child.

The most important thing in any adoption should always be the well-being of the child,  not just for today but for the future.  I child , a baby is a human and they have rights, thoughts and feelings and this should always be the put above anything else.

I child has the right to know where, and who they came from ( who they look like, what their families where like). They have the right to know why they were given up.  No matter how bad they have this right and it should be like pulling teeth to find out.

to All future adoptive parents and birth parents,  when giving or adopting,  ask your self this:  if you where this child,  this baby what would you want to know?  Imagine how hard it can be to grow up and know that your birth parents didn’t want you, Please remember It doesn’t matter how much your real parents love you,  you still want these answers.

I know it can be hard,  but it isn’t about either set of parents, Its about the child.  please when doing an adoption, please think open.  There are many meanings of Open and it can be made to fit any families needs.