Growing up we are asking what do you want to be, what do you want to do. We are asked this from the time we start school, preparing us for the day in which we choose our career, our job and enter into adulthood.
Most kids would answer cop, doctor, actor/actress, singer, teacher, vet, president, army/military and the list can go on and on. When I was asked I said” I didn’t know”, I was too afraid to be laughed at or call stupid for what I wanted to be.
Everyone would ask me what seemed like the same questions in the same order: “Alysia, would do you what to be, what type of things do you like?” I would reply “animals I guess”. And they would reply with the same questions “how about a Vet”? I would immediately answer, “No, I don’t want to watch animals die or put them down or watch them in pain”, their next suggestion would be to ask “what about a zoologist” It felt like it everyone was following the same note cards on what to ask next. Again, I answered the question but this time I was getting more aggravated “No, I don’t want to work in the zoo” What seemed to be the next logical question for them was “, what about an oceanographer”? At this point I would be done with the conversation and either say “No” again or “Whatever you don’t care and are not listening “and I would drop the conversation and walk off. But eventually I would cave in and say “sure”, knowing that I will never do it but it will shut them up.
It’s seemed like it was a requirement for all adults to ask the same questions to all kids, almost to drill it into their head. The questions: “What do you want to do?”, “you have to want to do something, how will you make money and where will you live”. these questions aggravated me as how does anyone know what they want to do at such a young, when you are constantly being reminded that you don’t know anything as you haven’t experienced life yet. Kinda hypocritical if you ask me.
The reality was I did not want to be anything that was being offered, I did not want to do any of those things.
What I wanted to be was a vampire (I do not mean twilight stuff, I grew up in the 80’s, Vampires kick ass then), or mermaid (like in “splash”), or something magical. What I wanted was not real, But I didn’t care, It was better than the other options given to me.
Growing up all I did was live in my own world, my imagination ruled all. It helped me when I was lonely or sad. I would spend every waking moment just making things up in my head and at night I would imagine my bedtime story, it would play out in my head like a movie.
Don’t get me wrong , I am no story-teller, I can’t tell a story worth a damn but I can imagine almost anything and watch it play out in my head. I am no writer; I am not creative or articulated enough to be able to put my thoughts down on paper. So I don’t even try to write them down and I am too afraid of someone finding it if I was to write them down. I am too embarrassed and scared of being made fun of so I don’t tell anyone about what Imagine or make up in my head.
But my whole family knew I day dreamed all the time. My great-grandmother would tell my mother “don’t you stop her from imagining, let her be, she has a great imagination.” She was the only one that spoke up for me on it. Everyone else would tell me to pull my head out the clouds, get back down to reality and to grow up.
Looking make now, someone probably should have actually pulled me out of the clouds and put down to earth, as tell this day I spend more time in the clouds than on the ground. till this day I have no idea what I want to do or what field I want to go in, I am just doing “working” to pay my bills. I think of all these jobs out there and none of them sound fun or fulfilling in any way.
When you dream of unicorns, fairies, vampires and mermaids, being a doctor, teacher, cops, or zoologist isn’t that exciting. Life almost seems like you are just walking through it as if it’s a commercial and I am just waiting for that moment in which I can turn my imagination back on and just dream.
That’s the bad part of about daydreaming and imagining different things is that what’s in my head is far better than what is down here. The only thing that keeps grounded now are my kids, they only thing better than what I can actually imagine. Since having them my dreams have changed or altered a bit. But never less I still do live a lot in lala land (as my dad would say to me growing up)
I do wonder if my parents forced me to focus more and kept me grounded if I would have turned out different but I guess it’s too late to tell. Now I just live in a land of disappointment of the real world and wish for another world full of magic, wonder, and enchantment.
My life as I know it 