I know you are all inquisitive how my first full day at my new job was…. well it was….good. I am still scared and nervous that I am going to make mistakes and that I am going to blow it somehow. I know I am my worst enemy.
But in short it went good, everyone is so nice and there doesn’t seem to be any cattiness either. I mean it, no one got nasty or angry at anyone. They all worked as a team. Any mistakes that others had made were not blown up but the office manager. Actually the office manager understood and said “its okay”, “next month will be better” and “I understand”. In some ways it seems too good to be true, so I guess this is why I am a little anxious.
The only way to understand what I am feeling is you would have had to work were I use to work. In short some people would leave (quit) and come back saying how awful their new job was and that they were glad to come back to “us” (a total of like 4 people, 2 of which are close friends). So I was uneasy about leaving and finding another job.
I was told by several of my (ex) co-workers that “I didn’t like change or that I don’t do good with change”, but this isn’t true. It’s not the change I fear, its people. People can be cruel and callous on purpose. I know that this is no surprise to anyone how people can be but due to my experiences (and the fact that I am not a good judge of character) I have just learned not to trust anyone.
The truth was that I didn’t like where I worked, I loved what I was doing, just not all the people I worked with. I didn’t fit in I guess. And this caused problems that I didn’t notice until later. But these problems were eating at me in the inside, I guess subconsciously I knew what was going on, for me every day was worse than the other. During the last few months of working there, I would cry myself to work, during work and when I got home. I was so miserable and everyone could see it but not everyone understood why. I hated the people I was working with. But the thing was it wasn’t the managers I had a problem with it was an employee and at times it felt like a group. The childish behavior was dreadful and the backstabbing was nonstop. People you thought were your friends to your face would talk behind your back. I heard a lot of these conversations, I didn’t like them and I refused to be involved. ( I am thinking now that I should have said something to a manager but i was too afraid)
Then the time came when I was next in line. I could hear my name and knew that I was being talked about. She did this to everyone but was always so nice to your face and to the managers. And then she would wait till someone was not around and talk about that person to everyone. Almost like to build a group. It felt like high school, with a bunch of people in the 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. I didn’t like it and it was eating at me every day. It made my life miserable, and the thing was it didn’t matter if it was me it was being done to; the issue was that it was being done at all. I figured once we left High school, we would have left all the childish behavior too.
At the end I wasn’t fired, I was laid off with the offer that when things improved they would call me back ( As my office manager said, we are not wanting to do this, and it’s not you it’s your position) . The reality is that I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t want to be part of that anymore. For me it’s not about the money, I just want to be happy with where I am and what I am doing. I figure if I am spending all this time away from my kids than I want to be happy with what I am doing. I want to be in a good environment with good people who know how to treat people correctly.
So when I say I was scared I was scared, I was scared cause if this was considered good than what was bad. I guess I let the fear get to me, so now I am scared of the what if’s, I am scared of getting into another job like the one I left.
My life as I know it 