Adoption part 2 – awareness of choice

This is my second post,  and it’s not what I originally wanted to post this week.  I changed my blog post yesterday ( Saturday evening) after an email I received from my Daughters mother.

***I little bit of a back story,  I gave my child up to a loving couple that already had a prior child from a prior adoption. I gave my child to them because they had another child that was adopted too.  I wanted her to grow up with someone just like her.  When I gave her up open adoption was still well new,  and Open had a lot of different meanings depending on the person/family.  Her sister was from a closed adoption, not by their choice but because this is what the birth mother wanted.  This blog is written because of this closed adoption***

Every day their daughter struggles with her adoption because she has no answers,  She wants to know why,  just one question, why.  It causes her a great deal of emotional pain.  It isn’t enough that her parents love her,  she needs to know.  and she has the right to now.  It broke  my heart while I read this email she sent me and sent me to my knees,  I would do anything to take her pain away.

No child should have to feel the way she feels, and no parent should have to watch helplessly as their child struggles with questions they can’t answer.

If I can tell anybody any thing about adoption it is this, Open is great and the best way to go about it.  That is in reference to an actual adoption,  not a state adoption where the child was abused or removed.  but an actual adoption where a person chooses to give their child up.

My goal in life is to encourage as many people as I can to be open to adoption as a whole and to be accepting of it.  But I also want to make people aware of open adoptions and how great they can be,  not for the birth parents but for the child.

The most important thing in any adoption should always be the well-being of the child,  not just for today but for the future.  I child , a baby is a human and they have rights, thoughts and feelings and this should always be the put above anything else.

I child has the right to know where, and who they came from ( who they look like, what their families where like). They have the right to know why they were given up.  No matter how bad they have this right and it should be like pulling teeth to find out.

to All future adoptive parents and birth parents,  when giving or adopting,  ask your self this:  if you where this child,  this baby what would you want to know?  Imagine how hard it can be to grow up and know that your birth parents didn’t want you, Please remember It doesn’t matter how much your real parents love you,  you still want these answers.

I know it can be hard,  but it isn’t about either set of parents, Its about the child.  please when doing an adoption, please think open.  There are many meanings of Open and it can be made to fit any families needs.

Job and self worth

I have been on my up and downs lately and I can honestly say that I think as you enter your second month of unemployment is when you start beating your self up and start loosing your faith, There is only so much a person can take.

As I was having a conversation with one of my close friends and I was telling her how this job search thing can eat a person up inside,  she told me this” don’t let the devil get to you. He’s a damn lair. Your self-worth has nothing to do with where you work or what type of work. You are important”

this hit me like a ton of bricks ,  as she is 100% right, but it seems like in today’s society that it is shoved down our throat that if we don’t have a job we are no longer a valued part of society and we are judged based on the type of job and its pay.

To hear ( read) her say this to me, put it is perceptive,  I am not my job, and I am more than a value on a paycheck,  and I have to keep reminding my self of these, as I don’t want my kids to grow up with this same feeling.

as my reserve money is down to nothing and As i entered into government help,  my self-esteem and happiness has dropped, and at times I feel hopeless.   I have started to feel like a failure, as if I have let my family down.  I am ashamed of where I am in my life,  and I feel like I have been made to feel this way by the society we live in.

when in our nation and a society start to put money and wealth above the value of humane life and humane needs? why would a job and or money determined who a person is and not there every day action.  Since when is it a person who has money more important than a person who lives there lives for others.

I guess what I am saying is does having money and a job make you who you are or the choices you make in your every day normal life?

week 3 ( I think)

week 3 breakdown ( I think its week 3)

As we enter into week 3 , I am sure busy ( thank the lord)  I have a job interview tomorrow first thing in the morning, than I am going down to the state job program to sign up and meet with a job person ( not sure what they are called)  , in hopes to further help me obtain a job.

Tuesday, I my little lady’s 1st birth day, and we have hopes in taking her to the zoo,

Wednesday I have another job interview set up, Hoping it goes well

and after that,,  my week looks free.

Depending on how things go Monday , I Think I will be going down to the local hospital ( right up the road) and apply for a volunteer job,  As it will give me something to do during this off time.

Besides that,  my week look good and “clear”,  I am hoping that the job market gets better, its been really slow lately.  but with the holidays coming, I am hopeful for some action.

In the personal area, My daughter birthday party went very well, and my 2 years old thought all the gifts were for him , and at one point even stated look mama I got new toys,  its my present.  but hey what ever floats at this time,  as they share the toys regardless.

I am hoping for a good week……. so lets get this started

Happy Saturday to All

Happy Saturday to All,  I hope you all have a  great day…… and wonderful weekend

Tomorrow we celebrate my daughters 1st birthday ( the party that is,  her actually bday is on Tuesday)

My Blog breakdown

I created my blog to help me with documenting this part of my life ,  as it is right now.  in order to help me deal with the emotions of it all.

my life as of right now is overwhelming and chaotic at times , but I love it.  it is stressful but fun…. I wouldn’t trade it in for anything.  but still I would like a break or breakthrough in it.

My life right now is about finding a new job and career path, along with raising 2 babies ( 3 if you count my fiance) , My adoption of my baby girl, my weight and hopefully weight loss and well actually trying to finish something I start , Yes I am a procrastinator.  It is one of my biggest flaws.  which is why I thought of doing this blog,  I am hoping it will help encourage me to actually follow through with all  of my goals.

But like my life this blog will bounce around. I will post things out-of-order and change the subject to something out of the blue.  I honestly can’t help it,  it is how my brain works.  I can’t explain it but its like fireworks  or lightning going off in my head,  one moment I am thinking of one thing than the next its something else.  this is how it has always been for me,  It really hard for me to stay focused on one thing for a long time.

So, I created this blog, and In doing so I decided not to tell anyone I know,  so that I can be truthful, to force myself to be truthful about all of it, and with out the fear of  being judged.

This is my blog,  this is me.

Employers etiquette 101 when hiring

For all employers out there looking to hire or in the hiring process ,   this is etiquette 101: ,  please show some courteousness and respectfulness to those who you have interviewed.

If someone takes the time to schedule an interview and show up,  please be just a respectful to call or email them back with an answer.  I know that it may take some time but if someone took the time to come all the way down and show professionalism than please show the same them.

Please understand that going to an interview is much harder for us, the job seekers, than it is for you, the employer, conducting the interview.  It is not easy answering questions ( no matter how easy the question is) or being put on the spot.  Job hunting is extremely difficult on the mind, body and soul and all we ask is for a little respect,  just let us know ( phone call or email) if we didn’t get the position.

In almost all job post you ask for honesty, loyalty and integrity  in your future employees, well we ask the same from you.

Thank you

another day gone

Well its, 4:38 and I believe that it is now safe to say that I didn’t get the job,  not even a call back telling me I didn’t get the job.

I that this is safe to say, as during the interview I was told they wanted someone ASAP and that they had a couple more interviews tomorrow and than they would make the decision tomorrow and give that person a call.  Tomorrow is now today and per them they close down at 4:30, which means they made up their mind and I was not it.

back to square one

I already applied for another job today through the county,  But I don’t think that I can wait that long for a response back from them.

 

 

Wednesday the waiting game

the hardest part of job hunting, searching and interviewing is the waiting.  Its waiting on a call or response ( via email ) to your application, than its waiting till that possible interview, and last the waiting game continues for that possible call back or acceptance or worse the call back that says you didn’t get the position you will not continue ( do not pass go and do not collect $200.00) and then you have to start all over gain.

( to be honest i don’t know whats worse the call back saying nope or not even getting a call back at all)

The jobbing game is a rough game that will chew you up and spit you out.  And you only get one chance to impress.

So now I sit here to wait to see if I have a job or another interview.  I hate waiting 😦

Good thing about having no job

Even though I really want and need a job right now,  I find that the best thing about not working is staying up till Midnight and watching Old episodes of Doctor Who.

I Love BBC America……….

I Maybe Jobless but I sure am entertained …

Tuesday Job day

Hello to All,

Today I went on another job interview,  I am hoping it went well and leads to a job…. cause that is the goal and point of it all.

But my dilemma,  as my fiance pointed out,  its no where near me.  Its is Scottsdale and I am in Phoenix/Glendale.  and I would have to ride a bus all the way there and than walk around a 1/2 a mile to it.   Which I am fine with,  I look at it this week,  it takes care of two goals in one.  1) I get a job and can pay my bills 2 ) helps me loose weight and get into shape,  It guarantees me a mile every day,  who can ask for more., right?

either way I think its a good start…. wish me luck!

Good Monday

Hello To All,  Happy Monday.

today is going to be a fun field busy mom day,  I have a house to pick up, laundry to do, dishes to finish and job searches to do.

Also ,  today is week 2 of exercising and weight loss goal.  I will be weighing myself today and doing insanity.  Once completed i will be posting my weight, and totals for insanity.  To go along with this goal I will be watching what I eat.  By watching I mean, writing it down.  hoping for success

Wish me luck! and I hope that all of you have a great Monday!

Job update

This weekend wasn’t too busy on the job market , there were only a couple of new postings on careerbuilder.com.

I managed to apply 4 jobs this weekend,  Including 1 Craigslist posting( as you can see I am desperate).  This week I am hoping for a productive week of job hunting,  but not holding my breath

Hear is hoping that this week will be a winner for me and i will get a job offer.  fingers crossed.

Adoption Part 1- Choosing adoption

Part of the reason for this blog was to force myself to start talking and writing about my adoption with my daughter.  I decided that once a week I will do a post about my adoption, what i went through , the effect that this has had on me, family and relationships. I am doing this in hopes to help me with dealing with it and hopefully inform and help others too.

As stated prior, I gave my child up for adoption.  It was my choice.  No one forced me.

the choice was not easy and several times I wanted to walk away, even after I meet her future mom and dad.

I really wanted to run,  but I had nowhere to run.  It was the first time in my life that I was forced to take responsibility for my self, my action and more importantly another humane being.

I found out I was pregnant in October 2000 but didn’t tell anybody until January 2001, besides her biological father.  This was a calculated decision on 2 reasons,  1) I was scared to death and afraid of what my dad and family would do and say.  and 2)  I didn’t want someone to take my choice away from me.

At that point my than boyfriend( her bio dad) wanted me to have an abortion,  and made it very clear by his behavior and actions.  I didn’t, I don’t know why but I didn’t want to have one.

I was afraid that If I told anyone else that might make me have one,  It was hard enough to stand up to him,  I couldn’t take anymore pressure from anyone else.

I finally broke down at the end of December when a co worker-friend came to pick me up to take me to a holiday party.  I broke down and told her everything.  I made her promise not to tell anyone, especial my mom( as my mother was our boss) .  she said that she would,  but that she would also help me in telling my mother, and that she had my back no matter what I chose.  It felt good to get it off my chest and to know that someone would stand up with me to protect the baby.

she asked me what i was going to do.  At that moment was the first time I said,  I am going to have an adoption.  I don’t know why or where it came from.  but I knew that I didn’t want to have an abortion and I knew that I couldn’t afford to keep her.  I also knew that it wouldn’t be good for her if I did keep her.

She said that she would give me a couple of weeks to guarantee that I was past the 1st trimester and past the holidays.

I couldn’t offer her anything,  I couldn’t even guarantee that she would have a dad at the end of it.  My relationship was crap and I was stuck in it as I had no place to go.  This wasn’t a good place for a child and it wouldn’t be right for me to put her in it.  she deserved better.

So Adoption it was, than.

Job search engines

question to all regarding job search engines,  what is the best, what would you use.

career Builder? Indeed.com? monster? would you use craigslist?

I have been apply where ever i can and have been using the above and I am wondering if you had any suggestions on a better job search engine?

Thank you for your time and have a great and wonderful day.

Sales Alert for Barnes and Noble

Sorry but I have to share,  Barnes and Noble has their Nook HD tablet on sale

8 GB

Originally $129.00 and now $109.00

16 GB

Originally $149.00 and now $119.00

thanks for reading

Groupon, sales and price checking

So,  I signed up for Groupon around 6 months ago,  and to be honest, I have never used it.  I heard through work that Groupon has all these great deals, but over the last 6 months I haven’t noticed any.

I am not sure if it’s just me but it seems like in most cases the deals they offer aren’t deals.  For example on Friday a Groupon came in for picture people the deal was $16.00 for in-studio photo shoot with option of eight photo sheets ($16.00 ).  This deal right here isn’t a deal,  the 8 sheets are for one pose,  is actually not a good deal compared to what they are offering on their website. Right now Picture people is advertising on their website 25 sheets, one pose for $18.00 ,  In short I can get a better deal without Groupon right now.

As of today I really haven’t found any good deals in which I would use Groupon for.  And it makes me wonder if people who are using Groupon are actually researching these deals.

I am a strong believe that you should never buy anything at full price and you should always shop around for the better price.  If you have the ability to wait till it goes on sale (Food doesn’t count) , yet it may take time but i wait and if I can’t get it on sale then it wasn’t meant to be.  That includes my cloths, electronics, movies, music and phones.

Before I buy anything , I always think about 1) the price and 2) where I want to buy it from.  Yes I might be able to get it cheaper from amazon but I would rather pay more for customer service and or to support a local store.

This also goes for my kindle, I have a kindle for reading on the city bus,  I don’t really buy books from amazon but rent them from  my local library.  and when I buy books I try to buy them from my local books stores  (Changing Hands and Thirty Joe’s) or Barnes and Noble ( the last big bookstore).  I would rather pay more money now  to know that these places will be open in 6 months to 6 years  to 60 years than save a few dollars.  Sometimes its worth spending the extra cash to have these places around, than it is to save.

I guess what I am saying is that I  miss you Borders .

So I have had it….. I want to go to comic con

Yes I know, I have no job to afford and have no idea how I am going to coming up with the money but I want to go to comic con 2014.

I want to be one of the nerds that puts on costumes and parade around ( as long as it isn’t princess Leia). I want to sit through all the panels, and walk around to all the booths,  I don’t care i want to go.  I love Star Wars,LOTR, doctor who, HP, anime, comics and comic book movies.  I Can’t help it, I am a nerd at heart  Give me Batman, Naruto, Spawn, the hulk, Ironman and black panther.

I admit it, I am a comic book/movie, anime, star wars, LOTR, whovian and HP obsessed freak of a  Nerd.  Yes I am a nerd.

okay I got that off my chest,  thank you for listening and have a great day.

Another goal to add to the list,  Go to Comic Con 2014 ( or 2015)

weight loss

So I read that when losing weight it is best to weigh your self once a week ,  Some trainers actually recommend to weigh and do your measurements  the first day of your fitness and food program — and then staying off the scale for four-week ,  this would include doing the measurements

I will be weighing myself once a week,  there is no way that I can wait 4 weeks to weigh myself….and I will be doing measurements every two weeks,  I don’t think I can go 4 weeks on this too.

My next weigh in is this up coming Monday and next measurement will be next Monday. Also starting this Monday I will do my best to keep my intake at 2000 calories a day.

I will start “Insanity” program again on Monday and see where it gets me and I make no promises as last week was an epic fail within 10 mins of starting.  And no I will not be posting any before or after pictures,  I already put down my weight, height and measurements,  that was embarrassing enough.  I am pretty sure that that with those 3 put together, they paint a clear picture of short and “fluffy”.

Disney and Huggies

To Disney and Huggies

I received a questioner today in my email regarding my purchasing of Huggies.

Please understand that I didn’t buy the package Huggies diapers  because there are Mickey, or Pooh characters on it.  I bought it ’cause I had a coupon and with that coupon  it was cheaper than the Target brand was on that day. No, Disney and Huggies, I do not care who or what design is on the diapers, and this doesn’t affect my choice on what to buy.  The only thing that I ever think about when buying diapers is 1) price 2 ) size and amount per box and 3) will they do the job. My children diaper’s are almost always covered by their cloths so really a design means nothing.    But thank you for asking.

Its SATURDAY!

Well its Saturday!!!!!!!,

 

That’s it ,  I just wanted to say its Saturday,  Thank  you for reading and have a great day 🙂

This week in the job market

This week in the job market started off and ended slow. Usually I can find and apply from around 2  maybe 3 jobs a day ( including weekends,  but its like this week went cold.  I am really hoping next week goes better.

i applied for 3 jobs with the county, for a total of  8 jobs for the week.  sad to say but 2 of them  included craigslist.  I have been applying online through either Careerbuilder.com , indeed.com, monster.com and this week there was really nothing out there expect staffing services.  I finally gave up and went onto craigslist , a little scarred that i did but I did,  like i said i applied for two and got a call back and went to a job interview but haven’t heard anything back.  All together i had 3 interviews this week,  two I had to cancel as they were located in Tempe and I ride the bus and neither of these two had a good line to a bus stop, so there went those two.

i am hoping next week goes better,

I am unsure of what to do,  So if any one is out there reading and has some advance or suggestions,  Please share.  I need as must help as possible.

My friday….. A fresh Start is needed

On this my Friday,  I am considering it my fresh start.  I cleaned up a little ( mostly the kids room) , I am still picking up the front room,  but my son doesn’t seem to agree with me as he keeps bring out his toys that I have been putting away.  I managed to fill out 1 job request from Indeed.com,  1 from CareerBuilder.com and another sorry to say it, from craigslist.

To be honest I am not sure if I should be using craigslist,  but I don’t know what else to do,  i am running out of time and out of places to look for a job…….So if any one is out there reading and has some advance or suggestions,  Please share.  I need as must help as possible.

Once my fiance comes home,  i will go for a walk to the store, as this is my alone time, and get dinner.  this walk also helps with my goal to lose weight as the total distance back n forth is amount a mile.  So i will also get my walk in for the day.

I haven’t decided on what we are going to eat yet,  I was thinking sausage, peppers and noodles.

Tonight ( once the house is clean,  I will be helping my fiance with his school work, and then, once complete, I will putting in a dvd and watching a movie.  and once 9 pm hits, I will be doing laundry.

I am trying to keep a level head on everything,  Its hard, but I know that freaking out will not help.

language goal – vocab and grammer

A new goal, I know They keep building

My new goal is working on my vocab and grammar.  I started reading through some of my blogs( like I usually do)  and I decided i need to find new words and to stop using some words over and over.  For example SO.

I also need to learn how to write,  as I write the way i talk ( but at a lower level) . I find its one thing to be professional and another to be personal.  Professional writings are easy, no emotion or feels just facts.  Personal….. a little harder.  I have a problem expressing myself which translates to writing like I am in grade school.

So new goal….. Grammar and Vocab….. This will be a tricky one

New goal ….Picking up the pieces

Okay my new goal (to add to my others) to become the best me that I can be.

I will be the best me possible not only for me but for my kids and fiancé. I will pick up my life and I will move forward in a positive direction.  I will find myself a job / career that I love and that I am passionate about.

I am unsure of how I will do this, as this is new for me.  But I will figure out a way.

I applied for 2 more jobs with the county (it may take months to hear back) and I applied for two more through career builder.  I don’t know if I will hear back but either way I tried.

I know that I can’t go back to school until I get a job, so my main priority is a job.  (I wish I had more options of jobs to choose from but I don’t, doing the same thing for the past 10 + years does that for you)

I will pull myself back up and I will move on from all of this.  (This is not my I am women hear me roar moment, this is just me knowing that feeling sorry for myself doesn’t help with anything) I will be more for my kids; I will be the mother for them that I couldn’t be for my first child.

This is me unsure of what I am doing but determined to figure it out.   Just point me into a direction.

(ROAR) meow

****I have updated all my pages with current info, including my goals****

A downer …..

So today was a downer for me.  I have been trying all day to cheer myself up.  It hasn’t been working.

I got an email today telling me that I didn’t get the job that I went to several interviews for…….In short I am back to square one.  I feel like I got kicked back on my ass.

What bothers me is that the longer I go without a job and the more rejections (or lack of rejections) makes me feel like a failure.  I feel like I am failing my children and my fiancé.  Right now he is trying so hard,  working 2 part time jobs and going to school full time and I am sitting here doing nothing.  I feel like I am losing everything I worked so hard for.

Like I said I am a downer today…… I have been trying everything to help me get out of the runt.  I texted the most positive person I know to help me out,  She told me ” you have you whole like to work.  Enjoy these days you have with your babies, you can never get them back.”

She is right but still I have to be able to take care of them and right now I can’t.  I enjoy the time I have spent with my kids and trust me when I say that even though I want a job and need one,  I don’t want to go back to where I was working.  I was so unhappy and even though I am a downer and depressed cause I don’t have a job… I am happier now that I am unemployed then when I was working.

But after all that, today is my downer, I am trying to figure out ways to pull myself back up but I am pulling a blank.  I need to figure out a way to pick up the pieces.

Interview

I Just got back from a job interview,  to be honest at this point I don’t trust my judgement to say whether it went good or not.  What i do know is that i stumbled like usual and that they have no insurance at this time.  I have no idea what they will offer me in as pay,  So the two are kinda negative at this time.  I have to have health insurance for the my kids and getting health insurance my self would costs too much ( I think).

But either way, I think it would be good to take a job right now even if I don’t get insurance.  A job is a Job right? as long as it pays my mortgage, electric and water.

Epic Fail

So i tried to do Insanity,  it was an epic fail,  So I will be doing a restart at a lower level.  Here I come Jillian Michaels!

Adoption

I think the hardest part of the adoption is forgiving myself and letting go.  Its hard,  every day is hard in some ways.  I don’t regret it but that doesn’t make it any easier.  Seeing her makes some of it easier,  and i am lucky that she really hasn’t asked any questions regarding “him”.

Her mom has asked me,  I haven’t told her everything,  I don’t want to really discuss it as I get so angry. I think this is part of the forgiveness part.  Its hard for forgive someone that never cared in the first place.

he wanted me to have an abortion,  I said no, and would give any excuses to why not to,  he kept pushing I kept postponing until it was too late.  I don’t regret not having an abortion.  I think having her changed my life and out look.  having her saved me from my self in some aspects. I don’t think that i would be where I am right now in my life if it wasn’t for having her.

I do wonder if i will ever reach that point in my life where i can look back on all this and not feel angry.

Job search part 2

Right after i wrote my post about the problems of my job search, I got not one but two calls in, and and email for job interviews.  the only problem is that since a lot a job post don’t paste address just an idea of where it is,  for two of the jobs ,  well they are in Tempe and I am in Phoenix.  so  not sure how I get to work if I am offered a job.  Right now i don’t have a car , as i was in the middle of buying one when i lost mine .  So with jobs searches comes the every day issue, transportation.

but i am not complaining ,  just really happy i got a response back:) Nothing lefts your spirits than getting a call for an interview.

Job searching

So I have decided that the information that career builder posts about getting a new job is full of it.  I decided this as it seems to either be out of date or made for college grads.

I have spent almost every day applying for jobs since I lost mine and have tried almost every site to only find out that the information is the same on basically every site.  and up until this week there was at least 3 or 4 jobs i could apply to each day…… but this week I have only been able to find 1 job in which I am qualified for.

Since July I have applied for over 100 jobs and have only received 4 call backs ,  its really hard at this point to keep my head and hope up.

I am not sure what to do.  and I don’t think hitting that winning powerball jackpot is going to happen

Loss of Job

So I lost my job like 2 months ago, and even though most people would be sad, i am Not.  I am actually happy about this.  The only thing that sucks is how hard its been to find a new one.  I guess i figured that it would take me like a week or two to find a new one.

I have over 10 years in the accounting field, but i guess without a degree I am not that desirable.  But,  in the market we are in,  I can’t really leave the field that i have done, as everyone is wanting degrees and experience the job postings.

I am not sure of what to do,  I have tried applying for different types of jobs but not luck.

And when asked the questions : “what do you want to do?”….. I am left with a blank.

Do I really want to do accounting my whole life ? I don’t know but I am not sure that there is any other choice.

So here I guess here I am , Just left looking in on the outside. waiting.

Goals

So I thought that I would actually start making goals and actually doing them.  I know it s a really new concept for me.

My goals are  as follows and they are pretty basic

1) Lose 50 pounds,  I would like to be in the 110 area.  Tired of being fat and and more tired of looking in the mirror and seeing it.

2) find a job,  a better job.I lost my job recently and even though some people think it is sad,  I am actually happy about it,  its a new beginning

3)go back to school and get my education taken care of –  this one will actually take some time but it needs to be done.

4) buy a new car.

5)  be in the process of a bigger house ( I girl can dream)

I give my self a time line of 1 year to complete.

Now the real test begins ,  I must actually start and complete this.