feeling lost in it all

I am feeling lost in all this,  along the way of trying to just survive I have lost myself.

My emotions are up and down. One moment I am happy the next sad,  It’s almost like being pregnant ( but I am not,  I am not going down that road again, unless I can make a 1 million this year, so in short that isn’t going to happen)

It’s hard to feel a sense of any accomplishment right now and i feel sorta useless.  Its hard not having a job,  Not having a purpose.

My kids are great and I love spending the time with them,  but I feel that I am failing them as i don’t have a job.  i am unable to afford to take care of them.

I keep hoping for a miracle,  Like winning the lotto or being discovered ( Not sure what I would be discovered for but regardless I think you get the point)

I try not to stress out on what will happen next month if things don’t change,  and i am unsure of what I need to do or what I am ( if anything) doing something wrong in my job search .  I feel like I have no control over anything and that I don’t have any options but to just follow each day until something comes up.

I do wonder if finding a job will help me get back on track in my life,  or if i am looking in the wrong direction.  I wonder if this is the opportunity that i have been asking for but yet i am still wasting it.

I wish I could focus so I can see any signs are in front of me. I know that with every closed door a new one opens but I wonder if I am unable to see the door as my eyes are closed.