becoming a new me

I have been making goals, some big and some small ones (in hope of helping me achieve the big goals), I have also made some silly goals, like going to comic con, for the idea of having fun.  Goals like these are more like rewards for meeting the big goals.

The real reasons for these goals are to help improve myself, inside and out.  I want to feel good when I look at myself, not just physically but mentally.  In the end, I want to be able to look back at my life and be proud of my achievements.

for the past 32 years I have basically just floated through it, making no efforts and for the past 13 years I have taken no risk, and I feel like I have wasted my time and opportunities to better myself.  Regardless of the reasons to why I choose to pass up the opportunities (self-sabotage), I can’t live in the past and I have to think about not only my future but my babies.

What I am wanting in the end, of all of this (the goals and all) is to be financially stable, self-motivated, self-assure, and all around happy and a good person.  I want to be a good example to my children, and be the change I want in my life.  I know that I am the only one that can make me happy and make this happen in my life.  The lottery is a wish and a good dream, but it’s not real and I can’t keep on leaning on that as my back up plan.

If I am wanting to really change my life, I am going to have to start doing something, taking risks and facing my fears.  I have to actually do something besides watch my life pass me by.  I have to be the change I want.

I am 32 years old, mother of 2 babies (and a 3rd one that I gave up for adoption), and the future wife to a very luck (and great) man. And I have a full life full of challenges and obstacles in front of me and I am afraid but that will not stop me from achieving my goals.

(That was my roar)

feeling lost in it all

I am feeling lost in all this,  along the way of trying to just survive I have lost myself.

My emotions are up and down. One moment I am happy the next sad,  It’s almost like being pregnant ( but I am not,  I am not going down that road again, unless I can make a 1 million this year, so in short that isn’t going to happen)

It’s hard to feel a sense of any accomplishment right now and i feel sorta useless.  Its hard not having a job,  Not having a purpose.

My kids are great and I love spending the time with them,  but I feel that I am failing them as i don’t have a job.  i am unable to afford to take care of them.

I keep hoping for a miracle,  Like winning the lotto or being discovered ( Not sure what I would be discovered for but regardless I think you get the point)

I try not to stress out on what will happen next month if things don’t change,  and i am unsure of what I need to do or what I am ( if anything) doing something wrong in my job search .  I feel like I have no control over anything and that I don’t have any options but to just follow each day until something comes up.

I do wonder if finding a job will help me get back on track in my life,  or if i am looking in the wrong direction.  I wonder if this is the opportunity that i have been asking for but yet i am still wasting it.

I wish I could focus so I can see any signs are in front of me. I know that with every closed door a new one opens but I wonder if I am unable to see the door as my eyes are closed.