As I enter into week 4 or part 4 of my adoption, I am forced to try to write about my pregnancy and the birth father. This is something that I really do not like to do. As this is the time, when she was mine, and this is the reason why I knew I was not good for her.
I do not remember my pregnancy being hard, which is surprising as my last two sucked and I was miserable the entire time. But with her, I don’t remember, Or I choose to only look at it in a positive light as this was the only good thing happening in my life at that time.
I was in a horrible relationship and I was stuck. I had nowhere to turn to and nowhere to go. And to be honest I don’t think I wanted to leave, I was scared, that it was all for nothing.
I did not love the person I was with; I knew this and was honest about it. I just did not know what to do. I was angry with him and I think I wanted him to pay for what he did. To take some sort of responsibility for it. I was so angry and vengeful.
That anger has never left, I have never forgiven him, nor do I think I can. I take responsibility for my action but he never cared, and to me I did not see how that is possible. Why is it that she meant so little to him?
I still do not understand it until this day. She is 12 years old and I have never let go, every moment she is in my head and heart and I think about her consistently but he never did. There are pictures of her and her family in my house and on my walls. I am in contact with them and a part of her life, but he has never once cared to even be involved.
He left the moment the papers where signed, he was cheating on me and I knew this but I did not want to believe it at that time.
The biggest thing I have ever regretted above all else, the one thing I wish I could change the most is my pregnancy. I wish I left, I wish I had a place to go. I wish I would have begged and pleaded with my dad to take me in. But I was so ashamed that I had let this all happen, I let my pride get in the way of the well being of my child.
It is this that sticks in my head till this day, it is this reason why I know giving her up was the right thing to do, because if I couldn’t put my pride aside during my pregnancy, and put her first, than I had no right calling myself her mother.
This is the moment in which my life changed for me, the moment I realized this, this is the moment in which I tore out my own heart. I was not good enough for her and I had no right to say that I could be. A real parent, a real mother would put their child’s well being above of everything. And I didn’t do this.
I
My life as I know it 